I had a thought last night that was so terrifying that I could only feel it for a few minutes before everything went numb.
I was thinking really hard about my symptoms, and trying to determine when they really started. I think I decided it was 2008, the year I was last raped, and the year that my brain broke so badly that I don't remember most of that summer. It's largely an unfocused blur. There are bits here and there that I recognise, but can't identify in detail.
That was almost six years ago. I was 23.
Now for those of you who are around 30, like I am, stop a moment and think about who you were at 23. I bet you were a very different person, because...well, that's what your 20s are for. Generally that's when we start turning into the person we're going to be for the rest of our lives. When we become adults for real, instead of for legal.
For me, it's when I think I broke. And if I've been broken since then, I have to wonder...
Will I recognise myself when I'm done healing? Will I be the same person, or will I be different? Will I like the same things? The same music? Will the same things make me laugh? Make me cry? Make me angry? Dear lord, what if I'm a republican?
(Okay. That last bit was an attempt at humor.)
Will I still be the person my friends love?
...Will I still be the person who loves them?
Will I recognise the woman I see in the mirror?
It's a terrifying thought, realizing that all this time I thought I was so self-aware, and I may not know anything about myself.
I'm pretty numb today, still.