I've been long-distance "seeing" a new guy for a few months. One who I met years ago, but have recently developed a thing with. Today, I discussed with him mistakes that I've made in the past.
Everyone makes mistakes. It's human nature. And inevitably, the worst mistakes we make are the ones we make when we're the most vulnerable. This is particularly harsh, because we tend to swing towards one extreme or the other and blame ourselves entirely or shirk all blame.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the mistakes I've made over the years. Accepting my part of the blame, and forgiving myself for it. In most cases I was at best very unhappy with my situation, and at worst very vulnerable and at some points a little insane.
I've always been really good at making bad decisions. I've spent a lot of my life in a subtle self-destructive mindset. I don't know if I'm trying to punish myself or escape from myself, but it doesn't much matter.
I go through times in my life when all I crave is human contact. Sometimes a hug is the most important thing that I could want. Sometimes I get desperate for the comfort of human contact, and those are the times when I make the mistakes that I truly abhor. Sometimes, I even know it at the time, but I don't care.
I've been working on this post very slowly for a week. Part of that, I think, is because I don't want to actually post it. But I do. I keep wondering if I should go into some detail, but I think it's better if I don't. If I keep it vague, I could be talking about anything. Maybe I used to drink heavily. Maybe I used to do drugs. Maybe I used to have promiscuous sex. The mistakes I made are not the point.
The point is that we all make mistakes. In most cases, the mistakes we make are a perfectly normal psychological reaction to some sort of stress or trauma. The mistakes we make do not define us. They do not make us one type of person or another. The mistakes we make teach us what we should watch out for in ourselves during times of stress or trauma. They teach us how to better adapt, how to better move on, how to forgive ourselves by not making the same mistakes again.
I'm not saying we won't make other mistakes. But if we don't make the same mistakes over and over again, then we're learning, and that's forward movement. And really, that can be the most important thing.