On Friendship
It's that time of year again. The time for my newsfeed to be inundated with pictures and statuses about one of the guys who raped me.
When you get into a relationship, friends will often say "If he hurts you, I'll kill him" or something similar. Now I'll generally tell them that it's not their place, but I appreciate the fierce moment of loyalty.
Generally, it's been true. Guys who've hurt me, cheated on me, broken my heart, have been a subject of some ridicule on the part of my friends. And I'll usually tell them that it's okay, that they don't know everything that went down. That I appreciate and love their loyalty, but it's not the time.
Then I tell them that someone raped me. Someone they know and are friends with committed an act of sexual violence towards me, took something from me that I had to fight against myself to get back, hurt me in ways that can never really be healed. And these people who said "If he hurts you, I'll kill him," said "Oh. Well it's cool if we still hang out, right?"
And I said yes, because I'm not about to tell anyone who they can and can't be friends with based on my personal feelings.
I'm not angry with any of them, really. But it drives me crazy. It -hurts me- that they'd be that way. Not only that they'd hang out with him, but they'd make such a big public deal of it that I can't avoid it.
I don't want people to get revenge. I don't want people to hate him, or try to hurt him, or destroy his business, or anything like that. I just want them to take my side. To say "You very badly hurt one of my friends, I don't want to be friends with you anymore because I'll hurt her if I continue, and she's more important to me than you are."
Yup, that's right. I want to be more important to the friends and family who've known me for ten years or more. More important than the guy they've known for less time than me, who's been less to them personally than I have, who makes cool things that they want to be seen with.
Maybe that's unfair, too, but I'm only human.
When you get into a relationship, friends will often say "If he hurts you, I'll kill him" or something similar. Now I'll generally tell them that it's not their place, but I appreciate the fierce moment of loyalty.
Generally, it's been true. Guys who've hurt me, cheated on me, broken my heart, have been a subject of some ridicule on the part of my friends. And I'll usually tell them that it's okay, that they don't know everything that went down. That I appreciate and love their loyalty, but it's not the time.
Then I tell them that someone raped me. Someone they know and are friends with committed an act of sexual violence towards me, took something from me that I had to fight against myself to get back, hurt me in ways that can never really be healed. And these people who said "If he hurts you, I'll kill him," said "Oh. Well it's cool if we still hang out, right?"
And I said yes, because I'm not about to tell anyone who they can and can't be friends with based on my personal feelings.
I'm not angry with any of them, really. But it drives me crazy. It -hurts me- that they'd be that way. Not only that they'd hang out with him, but they'd make such a big public deal of it that I can't avoid it.
I don't want people to get revenge. I don't want people to hate him, or try to hurt him, or destroy his business, or anything like that. I just want them to take my side. To say "You very badly hurt one of my friends, I don't want to be friends with you anymore because I'll hurt her if I continue, and she's more important to me than you are."
Yup, that's right. I want to be more important to the friends and family who've known me for ten years or more. More important than the guy they've known for less time than me, who's been less to them personally than I have, who makes cool things that they want to be seen with.
Maybe that's unfair, too, but I'm only human.
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