Not gone, yet.
I know I disappeared. I felt the need to lay low for a while so that some things could blow over. I couldn't abandon this project--That would be too much like giving up, you know. Sinking myself back into old habits for the comfort of it, going back to quietly living my life, burying my pain and sorrow in blissful normality, troubled only occasionally by my sordid past.
But, my darlings, the easy way out is usually not the best one. So I have returned to you. I've lost some friends, I've gained some friends, some friendships have strengthened, others have faded. It doesn't matter, anymore. If this is truly my path in life, then I must walk it with my head high and my shoulders back and see it through till the very end--Wherever that may be.
Now I do need to get my bearings back, somewhat. So instead of something deep and profound, I will explain the title of this blog that I've left in the dust for two months.
Blue Jean Dreams. It seems a strange title for a blog about dealing with rape, but it makes sense to me. Blue jeans are everywhere. They're comforting, strong, and normal. Oh, sure. You can jazz them up with patches or studs or strategically-placed holes or fades or washes, but when you get down to it they're jeans. They're what we pull on after a long day at work. They're what we wear to have a quiet sunday afternoon in the garden. We all have a favourite pair, a pair that is old, worn, probably has holes in the knees and wherever else. A pair that is their comforting old stand-by. When you want to make yourself a cup of hot cocoa and cry because that's just what you need to do, you'll throw on that pair of jeans.
For me, the perfect symbol for what I want my life to be is blue jeans. Comforting, strong, normal. Sometimes jazzed up, sometimes relaxed and comfortable. Ready for anything. I dream about being that blue-jean personality. To me, it's the goal. To get past my own hangups, to the point where I can live my life like anyone else without worrying.
So there's that explanation. Now hopefully I'll be back soon with something worth reading. :)